Dr. Lori’s Patient Stories

I’m an internist, not a psychiatrist, but that doesn’t stop crazy patients from coming to see me. That’s right, crazy. Nutty. Bonkers. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you’re aghast at this description. You’re probably saying to yourself, I am aghast at this description. Dr. Lori, how can you talk about patients that way? Didn’t you take the Hippocratic Oath? You must be the worst doctor in the world! 

Well, you raise some interesting questions. I shall now present my rebuttal. (Heh, heh…I said reBUTTal.)

1. Talking about patients this way? Oh, it’s super easy, you should try it. Dr. House does it and everybody loves Dr. House.
2. Nowhere in the Hippocratic Oath does it say I can’t refer to my patients as goofy goobers. And technically I didn’t take the oath. When my medical school class was reciting the oath, I was actually mouthing the lyrics to Styx’s Mr. Roboto.
3. Worst doctor in the world? I’ve got three words for you – Dr. Conrad Murray.

Still don’t believe that some of my patients are un poco loco? Let me share some of my favorite patient stories and you be the judge. 

The patient stories you are about to read are true stories. Even famous doctor/author Michael Crichton couldn’t make these stories up…because he’s dead. But even when he was alive, he couldn’t make this stuff up.

Patient names have been changed to protect their stupidity their privacy.

Homer Simpson came to see me because that morning he got dandruff shampoo in his eyes and now was afraid he was going to go blind. Yes, a grown man came to the doctor because he got dandruff shampoo in his eyes. I reassured him that dandruff shampoo does not cause blindness…but too much masturbation does. (OK, I made up the masturbation comment, but the rest of the story – 100% true.)

Ryan Seacrest came to see me because he had a nosebleed. But he didn’t actually have a nosebleed when he saw me. His nosebleed was at 9:00 that morning and only lasted 5 minutes. His appointment with me was at 4:00 PM. So he came to see a doctor for a nosebleed that stopped bleeding 7 HOURS AGO!  Since I didn’t have a hot tub time machine to travel back to when he had the nosebleed, all I could do was look in his nose and say, “Yep, you don’t have a nosebleed right now.”

Tom Cruise was having trouble hearing so he scheduled an appointment with me.  He told me he often has trouble hearing when he has wax in his ears but usually he can clean out the wax and his hearing improves. I told him that he shouldn’t use Q-tips to clean his ears because Q-tips can push wax deeper or even perforate his eardrum. Tom assured me that he never used Q-tips to clean his ears….he used BOBBY PINS!  He said his whole family used bobby pins to clean their ears – it was a family tradition in their household. They’d all sit around the Christmas tree and instead of opening gifts, they’d clean their ears with bobby pins. (OK, I made up the part about the Christmas tree, but the part about bobby pins – 100% true )

In December 2009, I called Tiger Woods to discuss his test results. After we talked about the results, the topic of condom use came up. Tiger told me his new year’s resolution for 2010 was to use a condom every time he had sex. Too bad it wasn’t his resolution for 2009… I had just diagnosed him with herpes.

David Hasselhoff complained of allergy symptoms. He tried some over the counter allergy medications but they did not relieve his symptoms. So David tried to cure himself. He collected some pollen, put it in a shot glass, added vodka and then drank the pollen-flavored vodka. I think he misunderstood what allergy shots are. BA-DUM-BUM!  (OK, it wasn’t really a shot glass, but he did collect pollen in a jar, add vodka and then he drank it thinking it would cure his allergy symptoms. It didn’t.)

Lady Gaga came to see me because she had vaginal itching and discharge. As a female physician, I see many female patients for girlie issues like yeast infections, so this complaint wasn’t that unusual. But the next piece of information Lady Gaga shared with me was the grossest piece of information ever unusual.
She told me, “I don’t know why I did it, but I tasted the vaginal discharge.”

Did you throw up in your mouth a little? Yeah, me too. But it would’ve been very rude and unprofessional for me to vomit in front of the patient, so all I could do was nod and say, “Oh…OK.” 

What I wanted to say was…

EEEEEEWWWWW!  EEEEEEWWWWW!  EEEEEEWWWWW!

(A public service announcement for my readers – you don’t diagnose a yeast infection by tasting the discharge.  Textbooks may say the vaginal discharge looks like cottage cheese, but that doesn’t mean you should eat it.)

Yes, sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.